Tonight was the my last modern class. I am so very proud of myself for all the hard work I've done this year physically. I was able to do everything that was thrown in me and damn, I never for a second that being able to do a plank would EVER come in handy. Go me!

Some lovely things from my day...

Figuring out to complete a haiku I've been working on.

Lying in the grass at Trout lake, listening to the birds and feeling the wind blowing warmly across my face. Being punked by my co-worker/friend flinging grass at my head.

Driving home from dance practice along this fun windy road in Champlain Heights, marvelling at how the trees are now full and lush. A cool green corridoor, the wind blowing through my window.

Watching my dear friends dance.

Kissing my honey goodnight.

Dancing, sweating, living.

The other evening, I spent my work dinner break taking a little field trip to Continental Coffee for one of the best latte's on the drive. You can't beat the price either, cuz you get a double 16 ouncer for just $2.85 - that's pocket change thanks to the good old loonie and twoonie. As I passed the liquor store I noticed a young man sitting on the street with a coffee cup in his hand. His face and neck were tattooed, he was wearing a grimy ball cap and he had a black pit bull snuggled against his side.

"Spare some change?" he said, looking at me through bleary, reddened eyes.

I shook my head and looked him in the eye. Without pausing, I gave him an encouraging smile. I was just few steps away when I heard him calling to my back.

"Can you answer a question for me? Why don't people give a fuck about the homeless?"

I stopped dead in my tracks, then I spun on my heel and strode back to him.

"You think that because I didn't give you money, I don't give a fuck about the homeless?" My voice was a low growl, my tone incredulous.

"Well... uh... no..." he stammered. "I mean, people. I just wonder about people. why don't they give a fuck? Ok, so I'm drunk." He was petulant now his voice almost a whine. "But I'm not a bad person."

I couldn't believe it. How could he not know this? Seriously, how can he be sitting there on the street outside the liquor store pan handling and really be asking this question? Asking me this question? Me on a short break from my work with my feminist politics and anti-oppression analysis right in the forefront of my mind. I thought about racism and sexism. I thought about the olympics, the downtown east side and the colonization of Canada's aboriginal peoples. I thought about war and about violence against women.

"Because people are assholes!" I threw back. "People are mostly crap". We looked at each other for a moment, him sipping booze out of a Starbucks cup, me with my hands jammed deep in my pockets - fingers curled protectively around my $3 salvation. Finally, I sighed. "I'm still not going to give you any money," I said breaking the silence. "but you're wrong. I do care about the homeless and the poor. Take it easy, have a good night."

"Yeah."

2 things...

Thing 1: Dine out Vancouver is on from Jan 15 - Feb 1. I loves DOV, I do. If you wanna do dinner with me I'm free Tuesday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday evenings.

Thing 2: Burn the Floor. I think tickets are like um... $40-60 depending on seats. I plan to go to the Saturday night show.

Lemme know!

Oh boy 2009, here we come. I don't like resolutions but I do want to think about some of my hopes for the year. First and foremost more family time/dinners for my lil poly family and me. Date nights with Ole since our time together has become more co-habitaty and less romantic/datey. More contact with my mom and dad.

I am passionate about bootcamp and learning how to to commit to fitness, be it bootcamp, Curves, dance classes or Aquafit. I'm looking forward to getting familiar with moving mah body reguarly. I'm looking forward to the next piece of work I'll be doing with my counsellor and the rekindling of compassion between C and I.

I want to fill this year with dance, theatre, fun, shows and friends. I want to read some fabulous books and write more. I want to see people in my life that have fallen off the radar. I'm looking forward to the trips I'm taking to Seattle, Breitenhbush in portland in April with pale_pink and to Desire with sumcheekymonkey. I want to visit my friends in Calgary. I want to actualize some even bigger travel plans.

I want to earn more money, and finish my Counselling diploma this year.

I want to build or contribute to a new tribal style bellydance troupe.

I want to continue to negotiate and nurture mutually enriching poly relationships with all the people I'm dating.

Looks like a lot. It isn't though cuz these seeds have been planted long ago and can only continue to flourish and thrive.

There was a while there a few months ago when I was in it. I mean, *really* in it. My life, that is. I was seeing people and going to events. I even danced in two gigs last month! In relationships things were smokin' in certain quarters: I reconnected with an old flame, had several hot dates with a couple of yummy women I'd been chasing and had lots of fun. In that time I also attended a job interview and accepted the transition of my current temp job into a permanent position. I took on an additonal work day a week. I busted my ass on a halloween costume for a party that I ended up being too sick to attend. Alongside all of that, C and I have been seeing a couples counsellor every week for the past couple of months which has been intense and deep.

No wonder I've been sick for the last 3 weeks now and it doesn't seem to be going away. I don't want to see or talk to anyone. I resent having to go to work. Losing myself in MMORPGS, curling up on the couch and watching shows with a honey is the only thing that really appeals. I am unmotivated and bored. I'm yearning for something different. I want to want exercise, dance, to read something interesting and write something satisfying. I want to want to enjoy a performance and be entertained. I want to feel some sense of excitement.

I want to get better.

Anyone wanna go see this: http://skonen-blades.livejournal.com/299015.html with me? It's a victorian gothic horror play thingummy. 20 bux. On til the 15th.

It's taken a while but I feel like I'm pretty comfortable dressing my body. I mean, I really do get it: my sense of style, my unique shape etc. Unfortunately one of the ways that I've coped with my size is to allow myself the adjective "cute". Not beautiful, not fashionable or stylish, but "cute". About a month ago I had gotten dressed and ready to go out and asked Ole "Do I look cute?". His reply pissed me off. "Honey..." he says, "...a 35 yo woman can't be cute. You look nice." I was so mad. First of all I'll be 34 in December. 34!!! He added two whole years to my age! Secondly I paniced. If I'm not cute, then what am I? Nice? Admitting to looking "nice" means jumping back into the pool with all the size 10 - 34B's out there which inevitably leads to not-as-nice-looking-as-them land. Sigh.

That conversation plus a co-workers comment about removing her labret when she turns 30 (next year) plus a recent episode of what not to wear leaves me really really really wondering if I'm (and I can't believe that this phrase is coming out of my mouth) dressing appropriately for my age. I'm really wondering about this. I buy stuff online all the time and it looks super cute in the pictures so I order it, it arrives I wear it only once because even though it looks fine, something's not quite right. I think if I were being honest - that's what it is. Bleh... And frankly - fat adds extra cuteness, like babies and kids. If/when I shed some pounds, I'll look different. I'll look more my age - like a woman in her mid-30's.

I don't know what to do. for a long time I've had a fantasy of finding one of those personal stylist people who can go shopping with me and help me find an outfit that rocks is just a little bit alt and appropriate for my age. If you know someone - hook me up.

On CBC this afternoon (gawd I love the CBC) I heard a live interview with the musician Tricky. He said something along the lines of "everyone is a success waiting to happen. That success just hasn't happened yet." That sentiment, on this particular afternoon, really hits the spot.

There is a history of trauma abuse in my family that spans generations. This legacy finds my mother entering her crone years not in wisdom and grace but in mortal combat with mental illness. This truth has touched my father and myself as well - both of us unwillingly caught in the periphery of the blast. As a result, contact with my biological family on my mother's side is minimal. Bitterness, anger and disfunction have thrived in that garden. Each and every contact is marred by bad memories and suspicion.

So imagine my ambivalence when a cousin decided to reach out to me on Facebook. Since then, one cousin has led to another and in a few short weeks, I find myself suddenly, with family. In her message, she reminded me that our tanty (grandmother) had 10 children after all. There are many more cousins to be found.

This is odd for me. I'm in my thirties now, and some of them are older still. I mean, I've lived my whole life with it being just me my mom and my dad and a couple of uncles and in laws on my dad's side. Although my dad isn't my father by blood, he's the only dad I will ever know. With these cousins however, I share the almighty blood.

So what's is the point of this contact? Biology? Shared history? What do we really have to say to each other? So far our messages look a little like personal ads: 33/f/vancouver, no smoking, no kids. I don't know if I'll ever see these strangers. Don't even know how long this will last. I am poor at keeping in touch.

I feel so uncertain. A smaller, younger part of me remembers vividly the meaness and cruelty that I experienced by them when we were kids. Then later, the chaos created by aunts when I was a teen/woman. There are no good memories. Despite this, another part of me hopes that a connection can be made. Maybe I'll be able to unravel a bit more of this tangled picture and ease open a knot that's so tight it hurts every day. That maybe I'll get to see that I'm not alone in bearing this load.

So. I got 77% in that friggin class which made me a bit unhappy because I was figuring that in university that would be a C. Somehow that score magically resolved as a B+ which makes me feel pretty ok. I really don't care about A's. If I can stay a B student throughout school (if I continue to pursue it) with a reasonable amount of work and attention, then that's good enough for me!

Sunday the 17th I'm attending a film at the Queer Film Fest: The Same but Different. Check out the link, it's about trans folk. There are probably lots of tickets left so please feel free grab a ticket and come with me. Alternately, if you're going and would enjoy my company, let me know if I can tag along with you.

Lengthy thoughts on school and self-esteem ( here. )

A ( meme. )

I'm a bit down this week. Outta steam y'know? And at the same time so grateful for conversations I've had lately. I'm thoughtful about the idea of living my life more slowly. The contradiction of less being more. Less bullshit, more open-ness... more options. Had a conversation about writing today and that conversation inevitably led me here. I have this lingering feeling that I haven't found my groove - the space in which everything will feel right - or at the least, OK. It's like I'm drunk without the drink, stumbling a little. It's all good tho. I'm upright and well. I go with the flow.

Happy birthday neonknight69! I still cannot believe that I get to see you every day! It's been such a lovely year and I'm so lucky to share my life with you.

BIG SMOo0o0CH!

Yikes. I'm signed up in two online courses at Uvic this summer! Wish me luck!!

Tomorrow is May Day. While yer sleeping, I'll be playing my concertina and penny whistle (not simultaneously of course), while the morris dancers dance the sun up for alla y'alls.

HAL AN TOW!

I can't believe it. I quit my computer job. This came about because my supervisor at the women's org came and grabbed me last week, telling me that the finances person had found the funding to offer me an extra day a week until October (when my temp job comes up as a 4 day a week permanent position). The tech job has been good, and at the same time, I'm excited to leave that part of my life behind me at last.

On Friday, me and a co-worker facilitated the anti-homophobia/violence in same sex/gender relationships component of our volunteer training. It went really well. I've done it so many times now that I'm extremely comfortable with the content which makes me feel really good - I don't have any regrets about saying something stupid (there always seems to be one thing that I regret saying) instead, I'm thinking about how to improve the presentation in the future.

Another cool thing about work, all the staff in my office have been invited (by the leadership team) to the Day Against Homophobia breakfast on the 12th. That's in part, a little bit due to my prodding. After that, they've booked two hours for us all to review LGBT accessibility - the beforementioned co-worker and I have been asked to facilitate that meeting. I'm really excited about it. Also really excited that not only are they covering breakfast for us but we're paid for the time spent at breakkie and at the meeting. I'm grateful to be a part of a workplace that values those things.

So looking forward to it, YAY!

I've LJ'ed more lately than I have in a while, and I like it. I'm reading a book called "trauma stewardship" right now. It's a self-help book of sorts, for people workin' in the social services field. How to be real with yourself about vicarious traumatization, ie how to recognize and deal with the impact of being knee deep in the world's shite day after day. One of the things that kinda rang true for me was "avoidance" as one of the signs. I do that a lot and I do it well. Not LJ'ing is a big part of that. Once I kinda thought about it that way, it suddenly became a lot easier to be here again.

This weekend I felt really good... I mean, no indigestion or acid or anything. Today I feel a little something but otherwise I'm so excited. I'm drinking coffee again! Woot! I'm eating junk food! Double Woot! Now I just have to figure out how to continue to lose weight like I've been doing all this year. Go me.

On a massive tangent, what do you do with your sordid tales of sweet sweet lovin'? Do you have a 'sex' filter on your LJ? Do you talk about your adventures with your friends? Do you write em and submit em to a pr0n site? My partners are just not interested and sometimes you just gotta share...